To my dear wonderful lovely Kashan ♥

This text is for you, my love. I have written this in English so it will be easy for you to understand. It's very long, but I have written it in an easy way so it will still be easy to read. Please, take time to read this. All this are words written from my heart... Mera dil ;) Love you ♥

~ BACKGROUND ~
When you entered my life 2008 I thought you would be just like any other stranger. Nothing special. You got my number just because I wanted you to stop beg for it, not because I wanted to give it to you. I liked other guys. Still when all those left me one by one or I left those, you were always standing there for me. I could always talk with you about everything. Just as a friend. You were so kind to talk to.

In 2009 we became little closer friends, but also fought a little. One time we fought so much so we stopped be in touch. I really missed you so much that time, but I didn't text you because I wanted to see if you would come back to me. Sometimes you just contacted me to see so I was fine and so on. Then our silience continued. When it had lasted for three months I couldn't keep myself away from you anylonger. I wrote to you.

I wasn't really expecting any reply, but wanted to give it a try and see if you would still like me. You did :) After that we kept our contact. We became even more closer friends. In November 2009, when we had known each other for about a year, I sat in front of the computer and suddenly thought about you. About what I really felt for you. I knew that you loved me. You had asked me several times during that year "wanna be my girlfriend?" and always had I replied that I couldn't because I only saw you as a very good friend.

But that November evening I felt that I had some more feelings for you. I felt that so much as a texted and thought about you were not just a friendship. I was actually loving you. I still couldn't be your girlfriend though because I was in a relation with someone else. When I broke up with him (for you) in January 2010 I asked you if you still you wanted a relation with me and of course you did :D

Still we had never met because of what had happened in 2008 when mom saw me with the other Pakistani and I didn't want her to see me with you if she would mind our relation and try to damage it. So I didn't wanna be seen with you. You acceped it and supported me, but now when we got a relation you pushed me little and wanted me to try to meet you.

Thursday the 25th of February 2010 I was supposed to meet with my friend Jennifer. After I had finished my last lesson I called her, but her phone seemed to be off. I tried all that I could to contact her, but she was not able to reach. I went home. I don't know what happened, but I just texted you and asked you if you were at home and what you did. Then I asked if I could come to you. You said yes.

Quickly I fixed my make up and went to take the metro to Högdalen and the bus towards Farsta Centrum. Unfortunately the bus stopped working in the middle of the way towards you of some reason so I had to wait for a new bus. I was thinking that maybe this was a sign from God that I should turn back to home. But no, I was thinking seem like YOLO. I stepped on the new bus and went to you.

When I came to Farsta I called you and explained where I was standing. You tried to explain how I should walk, but I didn't understand. You then told me that you would come and pick me. I told you to not do that if anyone would see us and tell mom about that I was meeting you and then maybe she would have been upset and all...

I tried to call you and tell you to not come and pick me, but you didn't attend my call. Suddenly you called me and I never forget that moment. You said "turn around" and little away from me I saw you in a blue jacket and then you told me to follow you. I really had to hurry up because you were walking so fast :-P The first time I came close to you were when you held up the door for me.

As we came inside your and your friends' apartment I took off my shoes and then walked into your room as you had told me to. I didn't sit down though. I was standing and waiting for you. You came back and gave me a hug. At that point I got my first thought about you in real life. I thought you were darker than in your pictures and also so small (both thin and short). I didn't mind it, it was just cute :)

You brought me a glass of mango juice and you were lying down on bed and I was sitting on the side and drinking (very slooooowly). At one point you stopped me and told me to lay down on your arm and at that moment you gave me a kiss on my lips. I got my very first kiss from you! It was so cute :)

I later drank some more of my juice, then we kept cuddle a little and talk. I remember when you said "say something" when it became silient and I said "mujhy tum say piyar hay" and you really looked at me with a chocked impression on your face. You were so cute :-)

Our last scene that day was when I sat with my legs crossed and you were laying down with your head on my legs. Sometimes I bent over and kissed you. Suddenly my mom called and my panic returned. Quickly I went to put on my shoes and jacket. Meanwhile you were standing leaned to the wall. Tears were rolling down your cheeks. You were sad because you thought you might never would see me again if I didn't like you now after seen you in real.

After just two days I returned to your home :-) I really liked you even more. Then we began to meet regularly. You moved around, but that didn't become any problem for me. Where you were I took myself, easy. It was so wonderful! I felt so happy and calm at your home. It felt like another world. No homework, no worries, no need for anything... You made food for me, also tea, we listened music, watched movies, cuddled, even sometimes we slept.

I rememer my holiday break in January 2011 when I came to you in the morning. I had been awake whole night and as soon as mom left to go work I got up and just dressed myself and brushed my hair before I went. I brought my make up in my bag. When I came to you we ate breakfast. Then we cuddled little. I never forget that because suddenly we fell asleep. I was sleeping on you. I was litterally laying on you and sleeping. It was one of the most wonderful things I ever have experienced! ♥

When we woke up around 11:00 it was snowing very much outside. You turned on some music, I fixed some make up on my face, you brought something for eat and so on. Later your friend came. He was laying on his bed watching something and you and me were laying on your bed and watching our things. Oh it was so wonderful I never wanted to get home! But after I had shared 12 hours with you I felt it was time to try to get home.

That day it felt really strange to go home because it almost felt like I was living with you. When you had been living in Farsta I remember I also felt bad to go home because I was so tired and had no energy to get home, but I had to :(

~ BECOMING MINE FOR REAL ~
Our love has taken more and more steps forward. Still you were a secret for my family, til you became my friend on facebook. Still I was letting my mom think you were just a friend. Unfortunately something very bad happened at the end of March in 2011, you know what I mean. You can't imagine how devastated I felt. I called you that morning and told you that whatever would happen the coming minutes, I wanted you to remember that I always would love you. It was like a kind of goodbye and one of the worst times of my life.

Happily we found ways to get through that problem. That HELL. Then one day mom mistakenly saw you with me the 23rd of June 2011. You were at my home without my mom's knowledge. She was at work and I was supposed to pick her so I was waiting for her call. You told me that she would come home before you went, but I didn't believe that. I don't know how you could know, but you were right. Suddenly the door opened and mom stepped inside. There you and me sat in the kitchen. I was thinking "now I'm dead - again"

Still I stood up, walked to mom and said "mom, this is Kashan". Surprisingly she was not upset. She welcomed you happily and was happy to meet you. Was I dreaming or was mom really not upset?! She accepted you! :D

Two days later she invited you for a dinner. She cleaned whole apartment just for you. The day when you came I was just waiting for you to tell that you were on way. Finally you came and I picked you at the bus station (the metro was not working).

After that you continued to visit me at my home. I never forget that day when we went to Älvsjöbadet. Some idiot girls from my school were staring at us, but so what. WE LOVED EACH OTHER! WTF is that so wrong?! You didn't like to bath so much, it was mostly me who bathed so after a while we went back to home. Just as you had warned me before we went down you felt very cold and little ill when we came back home. I told you to lay on bed and take some rest while I was watching So You Think You Can Dance.

Mom then told me to ask you if you were hungry. When I checked you I saw one of the cutest things I've ever seen. You were laying there and sleeping in my bed ♥ You slept for a long time and woke up late. Then I gave you some things to eat and a while after midnight you told me to check when the bus went. The last bus went after 10 mins. You really had to hurry up. But mom said that you were allowed to come back if you would miss the bus. I whispered to you "miss the bus" so you did ;)

Unfortunately it took some time for you to come back because you went lost. Finally you came back and for the first time of my life we spent a night together. Oh it was so wonderful! ♥ I remember I was just laying there and thinking over the situation how wonderful it was. I was finally going to sleep a night on your cheast. Oh wonderful night!

~ NOWADAYS ~
Now it's a normal thing to sleep with you, but every day and night with you is so wonderful. You are right now in Pakistan since almost 8 weeks and I am missing you so unbelievably much! I can't describe how much I am longing for Thursday when you finally come back and I can sleep on your cheast again and do all those other things we use to do.

During your trip to Pakistan I have really understood how much even the smallest things with you mean. Like when we drink cappuccino in the evening, when you make pakistani food to me, when I make my French toasts to you, when we take walks, when we watch movies before we sleep...

I can't imagine the moment when I first see you on Thursday. All I can say for sure is that I will have lots of happy tears in my eyes and will hug you so tightly. I will kiss you so much. Maybe I will start crying and ruin my make up. I know exactly what cloths to wear, what jewelleries to wear, which nail polish to use... Everything is fixed. Only missing piece is you.

~ I'M SORRY ~
You and me also fight as in any relation. I have done a lot of stupid things towards you. I know that I have met with few other guys behind your back. I have called you very bad things when I have been upset and done more bad tings. You know exactly what I talk about :'( There are no words I can say and no actions I can do to really make you understand how terribly sorry I am for everything.

I even still feel bad for that day when you came to my house, but I was sleeping and mom didn't hear that you were on the door so you were sitting outside my house for an hour, til mom saw you outside the window and woke me up. Baby I am so sorry for that :'(

Your Pakistan trip has made me think over everything and I can say for sure that I will change now. I don't wanna live a life without you so I don't wanna lose you and therefore I will onwards "live everyday as it would be the last". I mean that I will stop treat you so bad because I don't want you to one day feel that you have had enough.

I want you to know that I never have done my bad actions happily. I have always felt bad doing them and if not, then I have felt bad afterwards. I know that I am a good girl and I want you to see me as that. I don't want you to think that you have a bad and evil girlfriend and fiance.

I really hope that you can forgive me for everything again and take my hand and never let go of it. I swear of everything I owe that I have changed and from Thursday I will show you that. I will proof to you that you have the most wonderful partner. I will show you that you made a good choice of partner. Just give me the chance to show you.


Kashan, my wonderful pakistani, I am head over heels for you. I know that our love has improved even more during these weeks away from each other. I am sure about that I have made a perfect choice of partner and then every fucking idiot out there can think what the fuck they want about your religion, age, appearance and other things people usually have opinions about.

♥ WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS! ♥